One Way? Psshhht!

Ok, I promise I am a really good driver. In fact, I would even go as far as to say I'm an excellent driver. And this isn't even me being arrogant. I even have stories to prove it. This is one such story. Like for real, be ready to be amazed because this entire post is just a big pot of sexual driving.

It all starts on the day I was to go get my license. Everybody was trying to make me extremely nervous but I knew I would be ok because after all, I was the BEST driver I knew. (notice how I bolded, underlined, italicized, AND capitalized it for emphasis) I showed up at the testing site and started to wait. The only thing I was nervous about is that everyone had always mentioned how mean the lady that gave the tests was. As I was waiting, I kept wondering if they were just trying to work my nerves up or if the lady really was Satan's offspring.

(this isn't really me)

I heard my name called. Based on the voice, it sounded like they were NOT exaggerating. (again, notice the emphasis) Once more the almost man-voice called my name. I stood and turned around. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. This lady was quite seriously the UGLIEST lady I had ever seen in my life.  If it weren't for her double D's I probably would have called her sir.

Instructor: Hello, I'm Mr. Instructor. You ready?

I was confused beyond belief. I must have misunderstood.

Me: I'm sorry?

Instructor: I said I'm Mr. Instructor. Are you ready for your test?

Oh CRAP!!!  It was a he! Looking back, his full beard probably should have tipped me off. Either way I was now standing there in shock and embarrassment (I am not sure why I was so embarrassed, he didn't know that I thought he was a woman) while Mr. Instructor became increasingly more impatient. I decided that I should follow the rather gruff man.

After trying to get into the wrong car, and almost forgetting which lever operated my windshield wipers, we were ready for the driving portion of the test. Due to my skills in this portion, I am still quite surprised even as I type this that I was nervous. But I was.

As I pulled up to my first stop sign, a semi was turning onto the road I was on.

I drew this myself. Be proud.

Because my car was muy sexual and I didn't want to die with the he that was supposed to be a she, I stopped and let the semi by as he was taking up way more of my lane than he should have. 

Mr. Instructor: Very good job. I'm sure the semi driver appreciated you looking out for him.

SCORE! The first good thing I had done all day long. The test proceeded and I continued doing good things such as: checking all my mirrors, (something that doesn't make much sense to me as I'm only going forward not backwards) using my turn signals, and going exactly the speed limit. Then it came time to do my turn about. (also known as a three-point turn. I'm not sure if it's worth three points on the test or not but if it isn't then it definitely should be) I was doing just fine, until I accidentally rolled up a little bit onto the curb while reversing.  Under normal circumstances, hitting the curb during a test is an automatic fail. Thanks to my AMAZING driving skills however, I was able to think quick. I immediately started coughing. Not just regular coughing but hacking coughing. I think due to the fact that Mr. Instructor was scared for my life and trying to keep me from continuing to cough, he forgot that I hit the curb. After my coughing spell was over we continued the test.

I feel like Andy Warhol.

We were pulling closer to the end when it was time for my parallel parking. There weren't really any good places to do it, so he just picked a car and said "there, do that one." I pulled up next to it, reversed, cut my wheel, cut it the other way, as I put my car in drive to straighten up he said (this next part is legit a quote that I promise is not embellished one bit) "Don't worry about straightening up, you can go on. It's OBVIOUS (see, even he does it for emphasis) you know what you are doing."

I was elated. As we were driving back to the testing center I asked him how many I missed. His answer: zero. Point proven. I'm a beast at driving. But as if I knew that one day I would be writing a blog, I decided that wasn't enough proof and that I would need to show you further that I was an excellent driver.

After dropping Mother off at her work I decided it was time for a joy ride. I took my car to a part of town that I didn't know very well, but it was ok. I was a great driver. (such a great driver I just got my license without missing ANY and I didn't even try)

I was driving down the road and all of a sudden some guy was laying on his horn at me. My guess he was congratulating me for my passing the test or he was just like "WOW! That guy is an excellent driver. How sexual!" So I waved and kept going. Before long, more cars were honking at me. I must have been driving extra sexual.

And then I saw the sign.

Something told me I was going the wrong way. 

And then I realized something else. I truly was a great driver. I had been going the wrong way down a one way street for ALMOST THREE MINUTES now and not had a single wreck. What a beast!

The arrows represent the direction of the car. (I'm the only one going ^ that way)

It was ok. I just had to use my awesome driving skills to figure out a way to turn myself around. So I did the best thing I could think to do in a time like this. I stopped. This caused a bit of a traffic jam but it's ok. Most of the people driving around me mistook me as a member of their gang anyway because as they drove by they all flashed me the same gesture with their hands. When I think about it, the "middle finger" PROBABLY isn't that great of a club sign and they should PROBABLY come up with a new one. 

Eventually I found a break in traffic just long enough to swing my car into a parking lot and turn around. And my title was preserved. No wrecks = a freaking awesome driver. Like I mentioned earlier. I'm a BEAST!