St. Krampus in St. Louis (This Post is Scary)

So, let me preface this with saying that Krampus is anything but a saint.. BUT, my balanced writing was rather exceptional you must admit. Also I have to say that coming from a family who celebrated Christmas on Memorial Day weekend every year until I was in middle school, I find it perfectly acceptable to write a Halloween themed post the week before Independence Day.

It was Christmas break, sophomore year. I don't remember what the occasion was but I remember that I was in downtown St. Louis with a large group of people staying in a hotel reminiscent of the movie 1408. While I don't remember what I was in St. Louis for, I will never forget why six hundred and something "freaks and creeps" were. The weekend that our trip was scheduled fell on the exact same weekend as a Halloween festival. (yeah, I don't know why the Halloween festival thing was scheduled in the middle of December. Kind of random)

^^ Scary ^^

Don't get me wrong when I say "freaks and creeps", I love Halloween just as much as the next guy - I mean what other chance do you get to be whoever you want to be? Wanna be Sweeney Todd? Halloween is your day! Wanna be Gumbi? Halloween is definitely the day for you! Wanna be Hannah Montana? Leave my blog right now and never come back. But for every other rational costume, Halloween is the day to become that other person. The problem arrises when people start becoming very scary. Or skanks. But for this post let's focus on the scary because it's more relevant to the post as a whole. Scary costumes are not ok. I know that there's that whole "We live in America and we can dress scary if we want", but I'm just not buying it. Scary costumes are almost always done in a extremely tacky way. For instance:

TACKY

DOUBLE TACKY

EXTREMELY FREAKIN TACKY

Do you see what I mean? Scary costumes are NOT done in a cool way. Well, this Halloween festival's specialty was extremely scary costumes. And even though most of their costumes weren't necessarily tacky, they were still not ok because every time I left my hotel room I almost peed myself. The encounter with Mr. Krampus was one such moment.

While I was extremely happy when I found out that our hotel had a Starbucks in it, I was even more upset that it was on the very bottom floor of the hotel. Oh well though, Starbucks was Starbucks so I walked to the elevator and waited for it to stop. I was happy to be waiting with no other passengers because that meant I wouldn't have to fight anybody on my way to get my caffeinated beverage. (Probably a strawberry & creme frap with a shot of espresso)

Only picture the cup much, much bigger.

The elevator arrived and nobody was on it. My day was going lucky. I pushed the button for the bottom floor and watched the elevator doors close. Down one floor and it stopped. Crap. It looked like I would be sharing the elevator. I was however not prepared for what would step onto that elevator next. (If you haven't googled what a Krampus is, you're about to find out)

This isn't the actual Krampus that I saw... Probably just an impersonation...
or the real Krampus's cousin. He looks kinda scary to be a fake.

This isn't the real Krampus I saw either. In fact I'm almost positive this one is a fake.

So there I was. And there was the half-goat half-man covered in rusted chains and bells, and with long horns sticking out of his forehead. It seemed like a rational thing to do would be to greet him with a "hey how's it going" but instead, it came out something like this:

Me: heyouuuu...

Krampus: *snarl/snort/growl*

Me: *pushes button for next floor*

It is safe to say I was terrified. As the elevator doors open and I rushed out I swear I felt him grasp after me barely missing my collar. This was not ok. I decided that a good thing to help me cool down would be to go get my coffee. (I just realized that's kinda punny because my coffee beverage was a frozen one) I quickly walked down the stairs and started looking for the Starbucks.

I finally found it right on the other side of the elevators and rushed in that direction. Not paying much attention to anything other than my goal, I walked directly into Mr. Krampus as he was coming off the elevator. I remember thinking as my face went into his thick fur that he smelled like cigarette smoke. (I can't wait to see what Google takes from that sentence) Krampus pushed me off of him with another snarl/snort/growl and stared as I ran to the Starbucks like a puppy with his tail between his legs.

I didn't know what to put here but needed another picture.. so here is Paula Abdul with
a broken nose. 

Me being the SuperGenius that I am realized when the lady told me how much my drink would cost that I needed money to pay for it. (that was a heifer of a sentence but I didn't know how else to word it. sorry.) This wouldn't be a problem except that my wallet was upstairs.. I turned around and traipsed back toward the elevator. Luckily there was no sign of Krampus. I rode the elevator all the way to my floor, got my wallet and returned to catch the next ride down. There was a chime and the doors opened. Before me stood none other than Krampus himself.

He welcomed me with a snarl/snort/growl and slid over making room for me. Since there was nobody around I had no option but to step onto the elevator offering up my soul to this beast of a being. I was certain this would be my very last elevator ride. Hopefully the Starbucks cashier would notice I never came back for my drink and send out a search party..

I pushed the button, turned around, and waited to feel my brain being ripped from the back of my head. The next thing I knew the elevator dinged. The doors opened and before me was the Starbucks. I glanced up at the Krampus and ran across the hall.

After I paid for my drink, I made my way to the lobby where I found one of my friends I had been traveling with. I quickly started to relay my story. When I finished I looked at him for a response. He said nothing so I prodded. Finally he looked up and said "You mean him?" I looked to the right and saw this:

Only replace all the bear-like features with Krampus-like features
and the back ground with a fancy hotel lobby...
So basically this is not at all what I saw. 

The Krampus was listening to my whole story.. (that is assuming Krampus's actually have the ability to listen) He was standing seriously two feet from me and I was paralyzed. He gave me one last snarl/snort/growl and grabbed me by the throat. He lifted me high above his head before throwing me across the room and turning to walk away.

So, I'm not a hundred percent positive when that story took a turn for the fictional, but I can guarantee you this: Krampus is the MOST scary thing you can ever run into while staying at a fancy hotel in downtown St. Louis. I will take this as point proven that it is much better to dress up as characters from The Wizard of Oz on Halloween than anything remotely goat-like or scary. I win.