Poop On Some Leaves (Part2)

And now, the continuation of Poop On Some Leaves. (if you have not yet read Poop On Some Leaves (Part1) then click the link!) 

This lady [Florist2] was much easier at understanding what KD wanted. She even had zebra print ribbon. It was like a divine intervention. We were set. After I paid seventy dollars, our order was placed. Now I put this out of my mind until the day of prom. (Another post I will have to write later about this prom deals with my tux. It caused us some great difficulty)

Poop On Some Leaves (Part1)

Judging by the title of this post, I can see how one might assume this is a camping or outdoors story. Knowing me, I can see how one would think it is a story about how I was extremely uncomfortable while camping one week, and I nearly died. The climax of such story probably having something to do with excrement and not being able to use a real bathroom. If you guessed this story, then you are close, however totally wrong.

I'm Sick

Just to let everybody who might bump into me know, I am sick. *big frowny face* I feel like even if you sang Soft Kitty to me all night it wouldn't make me feel good. That's kinda intense. I also feel like I need a nose pump. (do they make those? If not, then somebody totally should within the next few moments and send one to me rush delivery. I'd be willing to pay...$6.72 for that. Yes, that is all I have on me right now)

I am writing a post right now that may or may not get finished in time to publish tonight. So I am sorry in advanced if it doesn't get up tonight and if it does, then I am a beast. The main problems are I can't focus for longer than a sentence unless I am complaining about how I feel, and I can't find the pictures to go with what I do have written so far. So this is the predicament I am in right now. It's odd because normally, I use L(A)F to procrastinate, but tonight I am kinda procrastinating from it....except for the fact I'm writing right now...but this isn't a real post. It's fake. a figment of your imagination.... leave a comment.

**UPDATE: If the comment about Soft Kitty made no sense to you at all, then click here. Or here. Possibly even here. Of course, If I were you I'd watch them all and then look some more up!

Father Killed My Car...And Garage

Now before you start freaking out, don't. It has been almost a year now since this has happened. As you have all seen my car, (and if you haven't, shame on you! click here to see it) obviously it has since been brought back to life and nursed back to the sexual car it should be. But yes, it is true, my first post about Father tells of him not only killing both my car and my garage, but about how he did it all in less than twenty seconds. To say the least it was a feat.

It all started on a bright Sunday morning. We were getting ready for church as usual, only this day we were running late. I don't remember why we were running late, but we were. With us running late, tension was rather high among the family. Eventually, we all piled into my beautiful vehicle to set out for the church. Something that you will learn based on the different posts that will be written about Father is that he very much likes to be in control. So much so, that when he is in a car - any car - he is driving. This was the case that day. Reluctantly I handed him my keys and crawled into the passenger seat.

I Made You a Cinnamon Roll

Once again, it is late at night, and I am blogging a single picture. A picture of a text message that came a while back that I thought was hilarious. And looking through my pictures at....11:54 I find it even funnier. so....here you go..

Do you see how this would cause comic relief?  I sure as heck hope so!! Goodnight world. I am falling asleep. Dream time. Yea. 

UPDATE: So, I promise, this was ready last night and then, my internet went out. It was a rather terrible and depressing thing to happen. I almost cried. I went back and read it this morning before posting, and I don't think it really was all that funny... Sorry. Also, notice the labels on this that I came up with last night. And how most of them have to do with sleep. I listed dream twice...and I spelled exhausted wrong.

Basketball and Flame Throwers

Before I even begin this post, I am sorry I've slacked a little lately with writing. It was not my intention I simply have been extremely busy lately. Now that I have been nice and apologized for having to keep up with life, I will proceed to tell you a story.

A little over a year ago, I was getting ready to embark on my very first cruise. I was going with a group of friends. Some of which are still very close to me (both in proximity and relation) and some, not so much. (also in proximity and relation) The night before the cruise me and another friend (North Carolina) decided that we would pull an "all-nighter" at Egypt's house. If you are wondering how we could go to a country in northern Africa's house, then you should probably click here.

Poll Closed

After only seven votes...really guys?? You don't even deserve to know the results! Next time that I post a poll I expect more votes.... I'm semi just kidding. Anyway, results after the jump! Be sure to vote in the next poll that is now up!

Oops!...I'm Baptized Again!

So I was with a friend the other day and they did something that nobody should ever do around me. They bashed Britney Spears. I know what you're probably thinking right now, and no, I am not going to put makeup and a wig on, crawl under a sheet, and scream "Leave Britney alone!!" for all the world to see on YouTube. However, this did ensue with a very....creative conversation. This conversation ended with "Britney hates Jesus!!" I was insulted. The person on the other end challenged me to prove that Britney Spears loves Jesus. Well, anonymous "friend" here you go! I not only have done it, but I have done it creatively using her music.

It's Britney Spears in a nun's outfit. Told you she
loves Jesus.

I'm Nearly Bilingual

On my last trip to the beautiful country of Poland (or Polska if you will) I made a conscious effort to learn as much Polish (Polski) as I could. My mindset was that if I could learn a generous sized chunk of the language while I was in the country, maybe, just maybe I would be seen as more than just a stupid, American tourist. 

I expressed this concern to a couple of my Polish friends and they accepted the challenge of helping me learn as much as possible in the very short time I would be with them. With little time to waste, we started immediately. I must say that they were excellent teachers as I still remember almost everything that they taught me. They were also very rigorous teachers. Any time we were to go out to eat, the responsibility of ordering my own meal would fall on me. If I ordered wrong, then I hope I like mystery meat! 

One Way? Psshhht!

Ok, I promise I am a really good driver. In fact, I would even go as far as to say I'm an excellent driver. And this isn't even me being arrogant. I even have stories to prove it. This is one such story. Like for real, be ready to be amazed because this entire post is just a big pot of sexual driving.

It all starts on the day I was to go get my license. Everybody was trying to make me extremely nervous but I knew I would be ok because after all, I was the BEST driver I knew. (notice how I bolded, underlined, italicized, AND capitalized it for emphasis) I showed up at the testing site and started to wait. The only thing I was nervous about is that everyone had always mentioned how mean the lady that gave the tests was. As I was waiting, I kept wondering if they were just trying to work my nerves up or if the lady really was Satan's offspring.

(this isn't really me)

I'm On Google!

As I Promised, My Underwear Epiphany (for men)

**DISCLAIMER: If you are a female and see that this post says for men, please do not let that keep you from reading it. I promise it will provide plenty of insight. And my current plan is to have a female version out soon - dependent on my ability to find someone who has gone through it.

I had never thought of writing this post until an anonymous reader posted a comment to the post about Whale Tails & Credit Cards.  They mentioned that even though I said that I can't stand when people show their crack or thong, I am constantly showing the top of my boxers. I must say that it is true, on occasion the top of my boxers will show above my waist of my pants. The part where I justify this is where I said that I do not like it when people show their crack and thong. I do not wear thongs and I do not show my crack. So HA anonymous blogger! Joke's on you!

LESLIE KNOPE!

The title and the picture say it all...

You Won Round One >:[ (Comment to help name the bug)

I caved. But there was really good reasons for it. Yes, I realize I am a failure. And for that I apologize. Especially since I only came up with this plan Sunday. That's not even a week. I'm still not even sure how it all went wrong. I had mathematician scientist formulas and everything. Yet it still went very, very wrong. 

Let me fill you in on the happenings since Sunday when I devised this plan to get back at the birds. Monday: I walked out to my car - more bird poop. And dirt.
Tuesday: Even more bird waste. And dirt. (it's ok, it's only been two days - they will tire of dirty bathrooms soon.)
Today: Someone comes up to me and tells me my car is covered in bird crap. They warn me that my paint will get eaten off if I don't take care of it. I am heart broken and forced to make a decision. After I walked to my car and realized that it was indeed covered in even more bird crap, I decided something had to be done.

Whale Tails & Credit Cards

I promised someone today that I would write this post. We were sitting in a large group of people and both of us noticed a larger kid that had at least half of his butt hanging out of his pants. It was disgusting. And it didn't get better. In fact, if anything, it got worse as he was constantly bending over/throwing himself around on the floor. He was definitely cracking. You know what, though? This was not the only experience that I had today that made me want to write this post. Today a girl was getting out of my car and as she was getting out, she had a huge whale tail. If you don't know what a whale tail is, it's when a girl wheres a thong and it shows above her pants and below her shirt. The resulting image resembles a whale's tail therefore earning the name "whale tail".

Projectile Snot

Yup, the title says almost all there is to say. I almost died again today. I was in a large group of smelly, chaotic, young children and as I was consoling one of the crying kids that had gotten stared at by another, a kid walked up to me and sneezed across my face and hair and arm and everywhere.

I Am About To Make Many People Angry With Me...

Before I even start writing anything else, I have to say: I lost The Game. Now that it's out of the way, I expect all of you to be honest and comment saying that you lost the game as well because I don't like cheaters.

Since my reprimanding is done, I will let you know now that this entire post is about The Game. If you have a problem with this, then you should probably leave this post and read a post about my clumsiness or one about my ongoing war with birds. But if you are willing to read a whole post about The Game and don't mind me having totally mixed feelings about it, then please do continue reading.

April Fool's!

So April Fool's Day was a couple weeks ago, so because I just kinda feel like it, I will tell you the pretty much best joke ever that I played on Mother. It all started as I was chilling with some friends and one of them played a terrible "joke" on me.

Friend: Hey, you uh, you got something on your uh, shirt. *points to my shirt*

Me: *looks down*

Friend: April Fool's!!!!

Friend was extremely pleased with his high level of trickery so I let him revel in his glory for a moment or two. While allowing him some excitement, I started to put some thoughts together for the first time. Friend said "April Fool's" and played a "joke" on me...  I felt like this should mean something but it took me a moment or two to figure it out. I looked at my cellular to see what day it was - April 1st. That's it!! It was April Fool's Day! I couldn't believe that I had forgotten such an epic holiday! I was ashamed of myself. In order to make it up to whoever invented April Fool's Day, I had to come up with the best prank/joke ever!

Shout Out

Shout out to all my international readers. It's been a pleasure!

My Plan to Get Rid of the Bird Poop...

So as most of you already know, birds think my car is pretty much the best bathroom ever. (for those of you that didn't know, click here) It has become an everyday occurrence for me to go out to my car and find it covered in bird feces. This is NOT a pleasant experience and almost always ends with me giving the birds the bird. Ok, don't really flip off the birds, I just thought it would be a really fun thing to say: "giving the birds the bird." Either way, it is not a happy time for me as I sit back and watch the birds laughing at me while I get into a crap-covered vehicle.

All this is about to change though. I have formulated a plan. It's all mathematical and scientific and such, just like a real mathematician/scientist would make. Seriously, I put lots of thought in this plan and went through the whole scientific process of observing and whatnot. I will walk you through my thought pattern of how I came to this plan before proceeding to tell you the plan.

The Surprise Ending to The Uninvited

I do not think this post will contain any spoilers whatsoever, but then, you never know..... So if you haven't seen The Uninvited I definitely recommend you do so because....well it's just a freakin awesome movie!

The reason I thought to write this post actually is because I was able to witness my friend watching The Uninvited for the very first time recently and enjoy her shock and awe at the final three scenes. And they of course did not disappoint. (it is really hard to write this post and not spoil the ending for everybody that hasn't yet seen it...I am only on paragraph two...)

I Made You a Waffle

Soooooo...... I am not sure how many of you will find this funny. But it is late at night, and a friend texted me this, So I am going to post it because I think it is hilarious. We will find out later if late night blogging is a positive or negative thing.

Curdled Vulture Spit Adventures: War

If you are wondering about the title for this post, it pretty much has NOTHING to do with the actual story, other than the fact that it is the nickname we gave to the pharmacy where all this took place. (if you can figure out which one it is, leave a comment!) Now, to introduce this post. I have a friend that has been mentioned in an earlier post named Savior. Savior was (and is) an excellent friend. Even though I could convince her to do my laundry, I never could convince her to make grocery trips by herself so I ended up having to go with her to Curdled Vulture Spit in an attempt to shop. While It seemed like an unfortunate and taxing thing to do, we ended up creating a wonderful tradition and exciting adventure that continued every trip to the CVS. (I am simply abbreviating our nickname, not pointing you toward the identity of the real pharmacy)

I Am Sorry!

I am sorry friends, I have failed you all. Today the funniest thing has happened to me in probably forever due to my own stupidity and I forgot to take pictures because of the initial awkward embarrassment. I promise I will not forget next time. However I will go ahead and tell you the story. It isn't long but it was a great time.

How I Almost Scared the New Girl Away By Dying

At the beginning of my senior year in high school, we got a new student that we will call KD. KD was a very sweet and attractive girl from the very first time I met her. Some could say that we became great friends right from the start. Others could say that she tried to kill me....

One of the reasons that KD became such an awesome friend is that I learned she purposefully carried around a HUGE purse for the use of smuggling food. It was not uncommon for us to be sitting in first period and her pass back a pop tart for breakfast, or a candy bar as a snack during third period, on occasion even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich during seventh to tie me over until supper. I definitely had struck gold by making KD a friend.

(left to right) Shorts, KD, Fish, and I at a bonfire together..
Doesn't KD look like a killer? So does Fish, but I don't think she is...

How Much Chocolate Equals True Love?

Have you ever wondered around Valentine's Day exactly how much chocolate really equals true love? I am here to tell you that I know someone who can answer that question. Or she can at least tell you when you have not bought enough.

This past February I had the wonderful opportunity to return to the beautiful country of Poland. I know most people who know anything about climate and geography are wondering "Why in the world would you go there in the middle of winter??" Well, that is a very good question that is irrelevant to this post and will be answered in another post for another day. In the meantime just know it was very cold.

Birds Think My Car Is A Bathroom

Today I walked to my car to drive home and found this:

My Lazy Problem (part1)

I have a problem. Now before you start thinking, "I thought you weren't going to talk about your clumsiness again until you absolutely had to!" I would like to let you know that clumsiness is not the problem to which I am referring. In fact, if you read the title of this post, it tells you my problem is laziness. Now that you know my problem, I am considering wrapping this post up and saving some cyber trees. (yes there are such things, and if there are not, then I would like to ask everybody to go write a Wikki entry about cyber trees right now)

Since I am actually not a cyber-eco activist and I would like a chance to introduce everybody to Savior, I will go ahead and finish this post. Before I begin, here is my formal admittance that I have been lazy almost my entire life. However, my laziness reached its all time high when I moved out of the house for the summer between my junior and senior year. Most people say that when one finally gets out on their own, their maturity takes over and they somehow become instantly responsible. Unless I am just a strange case, I beg to differ.

Egypt and Fast Food

This is a story about me and my best friend. I do not wish to name my best friend because the people who know him already know this story and I do not wish to attach his name to my blog in any way. Best friend will probably be brought up again in later posts so lets name him Egypt for purposes of establishing him as a person. 

Egypt and I were playing on our high school basketball team together junior year. (no, I did not play my senior year, yes I was the best player on the team) It was not long into the season that we had developed a pre-game ritual with each other whenever there was a home game. Before every home game, Egypt and I would go to the local fast food joint (again, I don't want to name it, but if you really must know, there is a song about it owning a rural piece of land and knowing vowels) and take turns paying. We would always order the exact same thing: two chicken sandwiches (plain) and a medium SuperWater. (once more, avoiding a brand name. Just know it looks like water but tastes like carbonated heaven)

(once again I am protecting myself by censoring the name/logo of the restaurant)

My Problem With Trick Mirrors on Cars

I feel like I should not need to write this post. But at the same time nowhere near enough people even know what I am talking about when I say I have a problem with trick mirrors on cars. Well here I am to fill you in. This is what I am referring to. Read the print on the bottom of the mirror. 

That's right. Car manufacturers not only put trick mirrors on cars but they KNOW they put trick mirrors on cars. I do not understand why this is acceptable. That is like putting a fake door on a hospital and a sign saying, "If you have an emergency use this door!" (think about that one for a while. It makes sense I promise)

Just in Case Yesterday Didn't Convince You... (Oh! And I'm a Super Ninja!)

Despite my repetition of the same sentence THREE whole times in yesterday's post, I feel some people still do not believe me about how clumsy I truly am. So today I have decided that once more I will offer (almost) factual evidence of a true story that took place in my childhood. Only difference (drum role) this instance couples my clumsiness with the clumsiness of another guy.

When I was five years old, Mother got a job teaching at my school. I loved it for two reasons. First, with her working at the same place as I went to school, even as a five-year-old I knew this meant I would get to see her every day at lunch. Second, this meant that every day after school I would get a chance to play with the other teachers' kids before Mother got off work. There was one particular kid that I really enjoyed getting to play with on a daily basis. Do not ask me his name because I could not tell you it if I had fifteen semi-automatic gun-like objects aimed directly at my manhood. Since I can't remember his name - and for purposes of smooth reading he needs a name - we will forever refer to him as Conner.

Spiders Are Worse Than Dogs (part1)

I almost died this morning. The previous sentence is in NO way an exaggeration of any sort. I quite literally heard Jesus say welcome home and had that moment when your entire life flashes before your eyes. (if you haven't ever had that moment it is kind of a disappointment as it only has your life in the past not what is in the future) What's even worse is that the majority of the time I had almost died I didn't even realize my life was in danger.

I woke up at 6:20 AM just like every other day. Nothing special about it other than the fact that my phone was going crazy vibrating from Twitter messages. After I read all my tweets I decided I had enough time to lay in bed and decide whether I truly needed a shower or not. If you know me at all then this should be the first sign to you that I was going to have an off morning. I am the kinda guy that will not miss a shower. Ever. While my mind was debating if I needed a shower or not, Mother was wondering why she did not hear the shower running now ten minutes after I woke up. Mother came in my room and made it very clear to me that whether I thought I needed a shower or not I would be getting one. So out of bed I crawled and into the bathroom.

Dogs, Mini Vans, and Emergency Rooms

As you will soon find out if you continue to read Life (Almost) Factual, I am a extremely clumsy person. Some people will read that last sentence and think it is the first of many exaggerations, but I, Indi, hereby swear to you that I truly am a genuinely clumsy person. To prove my point further, I will type the exact same sentence again to reiterate the severity of my clumsiness. As you will soon find out if you continue to read Life (Almost) Factual, I am a extremely clumsy person. My friends will ask me sometimes when my clumsiness truly began and to be honest I'm pretty sure it started while I was still in my mother's womb. Of course there is no way to know that for sure, but it is always possible right? One thing I do know, is that my clumsiness had already developed greatly by the time I had reached six years old. No amount of knee scraping could prepare me - or my mom - for that fateful day...

First Post... BLAH!!!

Hello Everyone! (who at this point probably consists of only friends who I sent a text to saying "Hey I started a blog go check it out")
As I was sitting down the other day reading my favorite blog I was thinking about how awesome it would be if I could write a blog.. and then I realized, "Wait a second, What the heck?! I CAN WRITE A BLOG!!!"