Unedited Thoughts of a Dying Man

These are the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sick.

When you're sick like I am you sometimes start contemplating some of the more important issues in life. Such as "who is going to be at my funeral in approximately two days?" "have I made a big enough impact on the people I love?" "what is REALLY inside a Butterfinger?" all these questions have ran through my mind as I'm sitting in the doctors office waiting to be seen. I look almost as pathetic as I feel. I am wearing a heavy coat zipped all the way up with a scarf sticking out of the top, a floppy hat, and my bright orange fauxcleys. My feet are pulled up in the chair in the exam room and I am hugging my knees. I might die while sitting here. Honestly it feels like I am about to turn into a unicorn (if I do then this pain would be totally worth it for the transformation) I want to take some gloves and wear them but they only have the medium sized ones. My hands are rather big so they wouldn't fit. I think the nurse thinks I'm overly dramatic because when she asked me to rate my pain on a scale of one to ten I said death. Lady needs to get over herself and just save my life. I also wish she would turn the lights off in here. Even with sunglasses it's so bright I can barely hear myself think.

Have you ever noticed the paper that covers the exam table? I hate that paper. How do I know how often they change it? And to be honest it's just uncomfortable and it is loud. Like really loud. It reminds me of the really cheap toilet paper in public bathrooms. I hate that stuff too. I would much rather Cottonelle. It's the Pizza Hut of toilet paper. Pizza Hut's biggest downfall is that they don't use the Pizza Hut of toilet paper. Cheap-o's.

I'm wearing baggy jeans today because I need to do laundry. Not only do they look ridiculous but they are getting caught on my heal constantly. That's uncomfortable.

I'm so hungry.

Hopefully I can better recount this story someday if I don't actually die by some miracle. Because I promise it has been more exciting then what I'm writing. I just am having trouble concentrating long enough to finish a thoug

Probably The Worst Post I've Ever Written. You're Welcome.

I have a problem. (I feel like most my posts open with that statement) a problem with judging people. The weirdest thing is though, it's truly only one situation that I judge people. To be honest it's probably one of the absolutely worst times to judge somebody at that. I am ashamed to type the next sentence but.... I judge people that cry in church. I know that's terrible. Let's go ahead and get this out of the way before you send a hate email or post a mean comment, I know that I'm a terrible person. But let me clarify. I don't judge them because I think it makes them any less of a person or even because they can't control their emotions. I judge them because they're obviously hiding something.

Now that I've made some people mad let me elaborate. If I see somebody crying in church, my very first thought is "she's a druggy." or "he definitely is sleeping around on his wife" sometimes even "they probably have 20 dead bodies under the floor in their basement" I feel like this post is boring. So let me spice it up real quick. Last week I was walking down the sidewalk when I ran into a dinosaur and I decided that they were a mass murderer so I karate chopped them in the throat and then found five dollars and saved a baby. The end.

This is the by product of writing a post when I have a fever and a migraine.

Find Waldo, Lose Friends.

I was THE BEST child in my kindergarten class. I feel like now would be an excellent time to end this post whilst I'm ahead, however I didn't create this blog in order to quit while ahead. I created in order to chronicle the happenings of my life in a exciting and mostly true way. So I will write what I owe the Internet.

I was THE BEST child in my kindergarten class until my best friend found Waldo. At first thought, finding Waldo is pretty impressive. It might would even make me want to personally give my friend a handshake, pat on the back, or possibly even a hug. No probably not a hug. That's just pushing it. But at least a friendly high five. That would be the thought anyway if I wasn't THE BEST (I totally accidentally just typed the breat which autocorrected to the breast. Win) child in my kindergarten class.

One Night of Lawlessness: Aftermath

I turned around and looked at the school building. I watched as the light to the stairs got turned on....

(if this quote is unfamiliar to you, this final post would make more sense if you went here and read this first)

I was terrified. Not only had I forgotten to text Egypt to tell him I was on my way, but also someone who potentially could ruin my chance of graduating was seconds away from catching me. I needed to think quickly. One more time I needed to use that brain that earned me Valedictorian... 

I laid down. Flat down. In the middle of the parking lot and I stopped breathing. I lied there ready to die. (I have NO idea if I used the correct verbs of "lay" in those sentences. "lay" was never my strong suit. "You got lied?!") These were my final moments, and the school would escape unscathed while I rot in the parking lot for my attempted misdemeanors. 

It's My Birthday!!!

So I am taking a slight break from my Night of Lawlessness series because I have a special post to write. This one. Today as some of you know was in fact my birthday! And it was a lovely day! I had such a wonderful day that instead of keeping all gifts for myself, I have decided that I will instead give YOU a gift! I am about to post my VERY first video of myself to my blog!! So those of you who do not know me, are about to get a great deal more personal! I hope you enjoy! Much Love -Indi

One Night of Lawlessness: Abortion

Egypt: Crap man! ...You need to get out now. 

Me: I can't. There's someone else on this floor too. And they have lights turned on...

 (if this quote is unfamiliar to you, this post would make more sense if you went here and read this first)

So there I was in the dark. All alone.,,,

I didn't know what to do. Egypt was telling me to abort and run before I got caught, but I knew if I moved now that I would surely get caught. So I was almost positive the gig was up and I would not be walking during graduation. I had no idea what I could do. So I sat. And waited. Then that terrifying moment that you all expected to happen in part2 happened. Whoever was in the other room walked into the girl's bathroom and turned on the light. It was all over.

One Night of Lawlessness: Execution

Luckily for us, as our very last plan (or so we thought) failed, we were presented with one more chance to get into the building... (if this quote is unfamiliar to you, this post would make more sense if you went here and read this first)

Kindergarten Graduation. We have all done it. The small production followed by a little ceremony where you wear a mini cap-n-gown and they hand you a piece of rolled up copy paper. This seemingly unimportant event was exactly what we needed to pull off our prank of the century. Not only would attending such an event gain us access to the building, but it would also look very good on us to show up and "support" the graduating twirlers. (I'm not sure if anybody else in the world uses the word "twirlers" to refer to young children, but I think I heard my cousin use it one time and it has stuck ever since)

I consider this proof that the diploma is actually copy paper.

One Night of Lawlessness: Planning

Senior Year. If you know anything about me at all, then you probably know that senior year in high school was the worst year of my life. (thus far) I have elected to write three posts, however, that record the happenings of one good night senior year. One Night of Lawlessness.

This night actually started my sophomore year in high school. I know that sentence makes about as much sense as somebody saying that Britney Spears can't sing but we will leave it because I am about to explain. Patience my young grasshopper. So my sophomore year in high school was Sister's senior year. Sister's class was the very first class at our high school to pull a senior prank. And it was a good one. What they did was fill the halls in our high school with cups full of water. So they were lined wall to wall with water-filled cups down the entire hall. If one desired to walk through the hall they would have to individually move and dump each cup. Did I mention the cups also blocked the path to the bathrooms?

You clever, clever people...

Spiders Just Suck

So last night was pretty much the worst night I've had in....well forever. As many of you might already know I stayed up pretty late finishing a post about Krampus. And even later having a discussion in the comments section with...a...um...Krampus.... Anyway, when I finally did get to bed it didn't last long.

I seriously hadn't even laid my head down for two minutes when I felt something fall onto my pillow beside me. I bolted up and turned on my bedside light when I saw a ninja spider. That's right. They have finally found me and are sending troops and ninjas after me. I didn't know what to do. I froze. My eyes were searching for any option of escape. I found a tissue and my Dr. Pepper bank. I quickly grabbed my Dr. Pepper bank and chased the ninja all over my bed before finally dropping it on top of him.

St. Krampus in St. Louis (This Post is Scary)

So, let me preface this with saying that Krampus is anything but a saint.. BUT, my balanced writing was rather exceptional you must admit. Also I have to say that coming from a family who celebrated Christmas on Memorial Day weekend every year until I was in middle school, I find it perfectly acceptable to write a Halloween themed post the week before Independence Day.

It was Christmas break, sophomore year. I don't remember what the occasion was but I remember that I was in downtown St. Louis with a large group of people staying in a hotel reminiscent of the movie 1408. While I don't remember what I was in St. Louis for, I will never forget why six hundred and something "freaks and creeps" were. The weekend that our trip was scheduled fell on the exact same weekend as a Halloween festival. (yeah, I don't know why the Halloween festival thing was scheduled in the middle of December. Kind of random)

^^ Scary ^^

...This Disturbs Me.(UPDATED)

Do I seriously need to write any more than what the title of this post says?! Or can you figure it out yourself? I mean I am slightly grossed out that it would be searched in the first place, but absolutely APPALLED that Google would lead this person to my blog and they would click on it!!

Also, might I point out that it is slightly in appropriate to refer to a cartoon character in that way?

OH! And don't even get me started on the search about SpongeBob!

UPDATE**

As it turns out, if you search that, I am the very last result on the first page.
I am giving everybody a challenge! I WANT TO BE NUMBER ONE!!!!
Google search "spongebob squarepants thong underwear for men" and follow
the link to my blog repeatedly and let's watch it move up the line! Together, we
can take over the internet!!!!! WE ARE SPARTA!!!!!!!

Stomach: NOM NOM!!

So, I'm sitting by a hospital bed as I write this, (don't worry, all is well. Mother simply had a small surgery) and I haven't eaten anything since lunch. For lunch I had an Uncrustable. It was decent but not satisfactory. And I am starving. I know that most of you are reading this and saying "No you aren't. Little kids in Africa are starving!" Not to minimize the seriousness of world hunger, but:

My Lazy Problem (part2)

I'm so lazy that I'm not even going to finish this post. That is all

A Story for Emm

A really good friend of mine chewed me out yesterday when she read my post about my adventure with Amigop. She was really upset that I would even consider littering in the first place. And she has a excellent point. I don't normally litter I promise. I truly do love our planet as much as the next guy and just to prove to you (and to Emm) that I very rarely partake in such shenanigans I have a story. It is a story of my conversion from a litterer to a non-litterer that took place my junior year in high school. (Also, Emm is one of my few blogger friends that I have actually hung out with in person - heck I trusted her to dye my hair - so you should definitely take a look at her blog. There's a link in my sidebar)

I had a caption here but accidentally deleted it and don't remember
what it was...

Just to Fill You In...

Just a post to fill everybody in on where I have been this week. There are many, many excuses for why I have not finished a single post in now over a week. Trust me I have tried, but it just has not happened. I have about six really good posts and I've tried to work on every single one but have not been able to focus. I am not sure if I have tried to get back to work too soon after the loss of my grandmother, or if I simply needed a break to let my mind settle. I still am not sure whether or not my mind is ready to be all the way back at top potential for writing but I will do my best. In fact, right after I finish this post I am going to try really hard again to get another good post out. But do know, that I have not lost interest in writing or anything like that. I simply needed a small break and will be back at full force soon.
Much Love -Indi

Make a Joyful Noise (as long as your voice doesn't sound like a monkey drowning in a barrel of acid)

As I was in the shower today something very odd happened. And even though I am just now admitting it publicly, this is not at all the first time this has happened. It actually happens quite often.

This morning started out normal. I woke up, laid in bed for a couple hours as I still don't have a job and then decided it was time to get up and take a shower. I went to the bathroom and did my usual summer routine of turning on the water to let it heat up before plugging my phone into some speakers so I could jam while refreshing/cleaning myself. Today I chose a playlist comprised of Britney Spears, Rihanna, and Lady GaGa.

Weird thing is Britney's head is really on Britney's body....was the cut
and paste really necessary there? 

We Have to Say... Sexual

A comment was just left on my blog that looked like this: 

My Nipples Are Seasick...

If the title of this post kinda freaked you out, and you just threw up a little in your mouth at the thought of a post about my nipples, then congrats. I am impressed by your ability to think all of that and still be reading the post anyway. What a trooper! If you saw the title to the post and thought nothing of it, you've known me too long.

So on my most recent cruise, I met a very funny girl named Root1 and her younger sister Root2. These Roots were very interesting to hang around because they were constantly hyper beyond belief. During one of their fits of over-hyperness, (yes I realize that is not a word and no I don't care) Root1 had an excellent thought.

Adventure Time With Amigop (My Life is a Movie)

I am a SuperGenius. There isn't a whole lot more to that statement. It simply is what it is. There is one problem though, even though I am a SuperGenius, I rarely take the time to think out my SuperGenius ideas before executing them. So even though my ideas are excellent, they almost ALWAYS have terrible outcomes.

Apparently I share this trait with Wile E Coyote because if you Google
search "super genius" you find a crap ton of pictures of him.

I Felt Up a Old Lady's Bark

I found this post in my "drafts" folder. I started it a month or so ago and for some reason never finished it. Because Granny is on her death bed right now, I figured it would be a good time to go ahead and finish it, and publish it in honor of her and her life. I love you Granny and cannot wait to be able to be with you again - this time for eternity. I will always remember the last words you said to me: "I love you, can't wait to see you in heaven." Also, the title is in NO way referring to my grandmother, or any other person for that matter..You will have to read the post for it to make sense.
Much Love! -Indi 

(A few years old but I love this picture)

Arch Nemesis Has A Inside Man!

You will appreciate this post a great deal more if you first click here and read the first part in this saga. 
Much Love! -Indi 

Tone of this post: FREAKED BEYOND BELIEF!!!!! and this post doesn't even have anything to do with spiders, clowns, or Ke$ha! (ok, it might have something to do with clowns but not directly!)

This morning was my first back home without Auntie Nemesis around. I should be safe for a while right? WRONG!!! I let my guard down for a split second and almost died! Obviously Auntie deserves much more credit than she has been given.

My First Super Fan Is Both Family And My Arch Nemesis

So here is the deal, There is never anything more exciting than learning that you have an avid follower. Even if it is somebody that is related to you. So I was extremely excited when I learned that my Aunt was a dedicated reader of L(A)F. Not only is she a dedicated reader, but she has suggested multiple posts to people that she thinks would enjoy reading them. For instance, after reading Whale Tails and Credit Cards, she called her boss and left a voicemail describing how it would be a wonderful slogan for VISA to "Swipe the crack - Get a dollar back!"

Swipe the Crack - Get a Dollar Back!!
(it totally works)

Spiders Are Worse Than Dogs (part2)

Ok, I realize it has been forever since I wrote the first part to this post but I was waiting for the inspiration to write the next part. Today, I got that inspiration. Shockingly, it came not from a close encounter of mine with a death-dealing spider. In fact, I never have had any personal experiences with the spider of this post. So to be honest, I am writing this post on BIL's behalf. I am giving a voice to guy without a voice.

What I Have in Common With Ke$ha

So I am writing a series of three posts right now that I hope to be REALLY good. If they aren't, then I expect you all to lie to me and tell me they are amazing anyway. So the "series" is coming along kind of slowly unfortunately. It's not that I have hit a writer's block, I'm just trying really hard to word them in the best possible way. An unfortunate side effect: I've been working on the first for three days and it's still nowhere near being done. Realizing that I am starting to fall behind on blogging, I decided that I must write another post to explain myself.

But, because I don't want this to be a boring post, I also have decided to include the one thing that Ke$ha and I have in common. (no, it isn't that we poop glitter - they have still yet to prove that she in fact can actually do that. Score one team Indi) Before I tell you what this strange characteristic is that we share, I must first tell you a story. And yes, it does pertain to the point so just bare with me.

See, she simply blows glitter all up in the air making it impossible for
people to breathe... Thanks Ke$ha for contributing to Asthma. 

Bucket List

A Note From Indi:
Hey guys, it's been a really busy week so sorry for the drought in posts. And I'm even more sorry for the drought in quality. I promise to try to do better. Because my brain is on overload right now, I decided that this post would be the absolute best post to write. With me writing this post I know that it will be really hard to cheat you of anything because there won't be a whole lot of meat to it anyway, and I will have posted something that is hopefully kinda fun. So here you go!! Much Love! -Indi :) 


Death. Interesting concept. It's one of two events that occur in every single person's life on this planet. If you don't believe me, then just wait until it is your turn. Anyway, death has been on my mind a lot lately. Not because I have had any deep spiritual thought or revelation about it recently, but simply because it is everywhere. (Also, Death is a pretty cool dude. If you don't believe me, you should totally read "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak)

How I Got Drugged...Again

So here's the deal, I figured it has been way too long since the last "Indi accidentally got drugged up and chaos ensued" story. So I sat down, interviewed some friends to get my facts as straight as Vin Diesel, and now am writing to you as closely as possible the events of my inability to handle medications.

He approves this post.

So Guess What!!!!

Did you guess?? Chances are probably not, because I didn't hear a single guess since I typed that title. And if you did guess, then did you really guess or did you just say "What?" I have a feeling that next to no body gave a legitimate guess to the question. Which is ok. Because that proves my point for this entire late-night [early-morning] post! So I applaud you unresponsive reader!

Go on! Guess!

Tampon Flowers

If you would have told me that I would end up writing a post that is titled using the word tampon, I would have never started a blog. In fact, I probably would have thrown my MacBook in the pond. These are actually really crazy solutions for me because without my MacBook, I would find it very hard to live. So it would almost be like drowning myself in the pond. It's not that I am scared of feminine products, or even extremely grossed out by them, it's simply that tampons aren't exactly a very interesting thing to write about.. It almost feels like I've taken ten steps backwards in the writing progression.

WOW...Embarrassing

I didn't plan to write this post, but after watching one too many of the commercials, I didn't have a choice. There is a local car salesman who is for lack of a better word...a doofus. I will link two videos to you below and let you decide for yourself....

Dear Mother... Why??

Dear Mother,

It's YOUR day! I am taking this day to thank you privately in a public way. So even though many other people may read this, I want you to know that I am addressing you and you alone. You see, I don't always tell you this, but I truly do love you and appreciate you beyond belief. And even though I do want to recognize all the many tangible things that you do for me on a daily (and sometimes minutely) basis such as laundry, cooking, and killing spiders; that is not what I really want this post to be about. Instead, I want to thank you for us.

Normal People Must Stand.

So as I was walking out to my car yesterday I noticed three things very unusual.

1. There is a cute little courtyard just off of Court Square that is complete with a gazebo. (courtyard off the Court Square. LOL I crack me up)
2. In this courtyard, there are multiple sets of benches. Each a set of two sitting right beside each other.
3. In each set, one bench is really short and the other is freakishly tall. 

Ink and Sock Tops

As I have mentioned before, Father is the kind of guy who likes to be in charge of things. Whether it be my plans on a Tuesday night, or what color Mother decides to paint her nails, he enjoys being a part of the decision. So you can imagine how upset he was when I came home with a brand new tattoo five months before my eighteenth birthday.

Ok, so in retrospect, I should have at least talked to my parents before getting it, if not waiting until I turned eighteen, but also in retrospect, I do not regret getting it for one second. (if you know me personally, you know the story behind why I do not regret it. If you do not, and REALLY want to know, then feel free to send me an email at lifealmostfactual@gmail.com and I will write you an answer. I don't feel it is the right setting to address such a serious matter in the main body of a post)

Look! It's my tat! If you don't know what it is, it's too hard to
try and explain...

All Hail Chairman Mao

So I was going to write this awesome post about The Game of Mao, but then I realized that would be considered discussing rules...And I don't want a whole bunch of extra cards...So instead, this is what you get...

End P of O

I Hate Applebee's (part1)

Up until I typed the name for this post, I thought Applebee's was spelt Applebea's. So there is a start to show you how much I dislike this place. I decided that I would start with the most intense of the reasons for my strong dislike of Applebee's instead of going chronologically because I can. (oh, and part of this post is rather serious, so if you don't want to read it, then click here to laugh at my clumsiness)

A few years ago, I met a girl at a summer camp. We didn't talk to each other more than twice at this camp and I think only one of those times were an actual conversation. (sounds like the start to a great friendship doesn't it?) Even though we barely talked to each other at all during the camp experience, I ended up getting her contact information. Mainly because it was polite and everybody was swapping digits.

This picture has NOTHING to do with this post,  however,
I found it and its hilarious because French is falling out of bed
so I stole it and here it is...

This Post is Morbid

So, I'm not saying that I do this type of thing all the time. In fact, I have only done this once. And only tried to do it again once since then. But we will get there in a minute. This all started because of Moss though. Like seriously, I promise it's all her fault. If her family didn't own a funeral home then none of this would have ever happened...

Toothbrush Diaries

I will be honest with you, when I first thought of this idea for a post, I thought it was the best idea ever...but now, I'm not so sure. I mean if a freakin bird is flying through a library, then a post about how much I love my toothbrushes just doesn't seem to compare. But, I promised you a post about toothbrushes, so here it is.

Say "hello" to my beautiful, orange toothbrush!

Sometimes I find myself having very strong feelings for inanimate objects. Ok, very strong feelings is a bit of an understatement. I almost would go as far as saying I fall in love with them on occasion... I can't help it though! I don't know why it is, it just happens. Part of me thinks it may have something to do with the fact that I don't have a pet. (Mother if you are reading this, that is code for you should totally buy a dog for whenever I am home...or a wallaby)

AHHHH!!!!! EXCITEMENT!

So I have a really amazing post that I plan on writing very soon about a toothbrush love affair. In fact I had planned on writing it yesterday until something crazy happened. And that is what I am about to tell you all about. But just know, the toothbrush will come soon!

Yesterday I had the privilege of tutoring a very nice guy in the subject of math. He is a fourth grader and is having a little trouble memorizing the divisibility rules. As we were going over the divisibility rule for 9's, (add the digits in the number and if the sum is divisible by 9 then the original number will be divisible by 9) I heard a flutter and something went right over my head. I looked up, and nothing was there. (now I realize that this makes sense because I felt it zoom over my head so of course it would be gone by the time I looked up)

Martin Fierro Is a Rather Nice Guy

Have you ever found yourself in a really uncomfortable situation? Like walking into a really fancy restaurant dressed in a tee shirt and not having enough cash to pay for an appetizer? I have. In fact, some would say I have found myself in that exact situation.

A while ago, my friend Shorts and her long-time boyfriend broke up. She went through a slight phase where she was slightly depressed. This could not last. If you know Shorts at all, she is very peppy, very giddy, and just an all around fun girl. So when she is upset, it is not fun.

Shorts and I. This time we decided to eat inside our budget and chose BK...
And my lips look retarded...Crap. That's offensive isn't it? Let's try that again:
And my lips look retarded. (does drawing a line through it make it appropriate?)

Poop On Some Leaves (Part2)

And now, the continuation of Poop On Some Leaves. (if you have not yet read Poop On Some Leaves (Part1) then click the link!) 

This lady [Florist2] was much easier at understanding what KD wanted. She even had zebra print ribbon. It was like a divine intervention. We were set. After I paid seventy dollars, our order was placed. Now I put this out of my mind until the day of prom. (Another post I will have to write later about this prom deals with my tux. It caused us some great difficulty)

Poop On Some Leaves (Part1)

Judging by the title of this post, I can see how one might assume this is a camping or outdoors story. Knowing me, I can see how one would think it is a story about how I was extremely uncomfortable while camping one week, and I nearly died. The climax of such story probably having something to do with excrement and not being able to use a real bathroom. If you guessed this story, then you are close, however totally wrong.

I'm Sick

Just to let everybody who might bump into me know, I am sick. *big frowny face* I feel like even if you sang Soft Kitty to me all night it wouldn't make me feel good. That's kinda intense. I also feel like I need a nose pump. (do they make those? If not, then somebody totally should within the next few moments and send one to me rush delivery. I'd be willing to pay...$6.72 for that. Yes, that is all I have on me right now)

I am writing a post right now that may or may not get finished in time to publish tonight. So I am sorry in advanced if it doesn't get up tonight and if it does, then I am a beast. The main problems are I can't focus for longer than a sentence unless I am complaining about how I feel, and I can't find the pictures to go with what I do have written so far. So this is the predicament I am in right now. It's odd because normally, I use L(A)F to procrastinate, but tonight I am kinda procrastinating from it....except for the fact I'm writing right now...but this isn't a real post. It's fake. a figment of your imagination.... leave a comment.

**UPDATE: If the comment about Soft Kitty made no sense to you at all, then click here. Or here. Possibly even here. Of course, If I were you I'd watch them all and then look some more up!

Father Killed My Car...And Garage

Now before you start freaking out, don't. It has been almost a year now since this has happened. As you have all seen my car, (and if you haven't, shame on you! click here to see it) obviously it has since been brought back to life and nursed back to the sexual car it should be. But yes, it is true, my first post about Father tells of him not only killing both my car and my garage, but about how he did it all in less than twenty seconds. To say the least it was a feat.

It all started on a bright Sunday morning. We were getting ready for church as usual, only this day we were running late. I don't remember why we were running late, but we were. With us running late, tension was rather high among the family. Eventually, we all piled into my beautiful vehicle to set out for the church. Something that you will learn based on the different posts that will be written about Father is that he very much likes to be in control. So much so, that when he is in a car - any car - he is driving. This was the case that day. Reluctantly I handed him my keys and crawled into the passenger seat.

I Made You a Cinnamon Roll

Once again, it is late at night, and I am blogging a single picture. A picture of a text message that came a while back that I thought was hilarious. And looking through my pictures at....11:54 I find it even funnier. so....here you go..

Do you see how this would cause comic relief?  I sure as heck hope so!! Goodnight world. I am falling asleep. Dream time. Yea. 

UPDATE: So, I promise, this was ready last night and then, my internet went out. It was a rather terrible and depressing thing to happen. I almost cried. I went back and read it this morning before posting, and I don't think it really was all that funny... Sorry. Also, notice the labels on this that I came up with last night. And how most of them have to do with sleep. I listed dream twice...and I spelled exhausted wrong.

Basketball and Flame Throwers

Before I even begin this post, I am sorry I've slacked a little lately with writing. It was not my intention I simply have been extremely busy lately. Now that I have been nice and apologized for having to keep up with life, I will proceed to tell you a story.

A little over a year ago, I was getting ready to embark on my very first cruise. I was going with a group of friends. Some of which are still very close to me (both in proximity and relation) and some, not so much. (also in proximity and relation) The night before the cruise me and another friend (North Carolina) decided that we would pull an "all-nighter" at Egypt's house. If you are wondering how we could go to a country in northern Africa's house, then you should probably click here.

Poll Closed

After only seven votes...really guys?? You don't even deserve to know the results! Next time that I post a poll I expect more votes.... I'm semi just kidding. Anyway, results after the jump! Be sure to vote in the next poll that is now up!

Oops!...I'm Baptized Again!

So I was with a friend the other day and they did something that nobody should ever do around me. They bashed Britney Spears. I know what you're probably thinking right now, and no, I am not going to put makeup and a wig on, crawl under a sheet, and scream "Leave Britney alone!!" for all the world to see on YouTube. However, this did ensue with a very....creative conversation. This conversation ended with "Britney hates Jesus!!" I was insulted. The person on the other end challenged me to prove that Britney Spears loves Jesus. Well, anonymous "friend" here you go! I not only have done it, but I have done it creatively using her music.

It's Britney Spears in a nun's outfit. Told you she
loves Jesus.

I'm Nearly Bilingual

On my last trip to the beautiful country of Poland (or Polska if you will) I made a conscious effort to learn as much Polish (Polski) as I could. My mindset was that if I could learn a generous sized chunk of the language while I was in the country, maybe, just maybe I would be seen as more than just a stupid, American tourist. 

I expressed this concern to a couple of my Polish friends and they accepted the challenge of helping me learn as much as possible in the very short time I would be with them. With little time to waste, we started immediately. I must say that they were excellent teachers as I still remember almost everything that they taught me. They were also very rigorous teachers. Any time we were to go out to eat, the responsibility of ordering my own meal would fall on me. If I ordered wrong, then I hope I like mystery meat! 

One Way? Psshhht!

Ok, I promise I am a really good driver. In fact, I would even go as far as to say I'm an excellent driver. And this isn't even me being arrogant. I even have stories to prove it. This is one such story. Like for real, be ready to be amazed because this entire post is just a big pot of sexual driving.

It all starts on the day I was to go get my license. Everybody was trying to make me extremely nervous but I knew I would be ok because after all, I was the BEST driver I knew. (notice how I bolded, underlined, italicized, AND capitalized it for emphasis) I showed up at the testing site and started to wait. The only thing I was nervous about is that everyone had always mentioned how mean the lady that gave the tests was. As I was waiting, I kept wondering if they were just trying to work my nerves up or if the lady really was Satan's offspring.

(this isn't really me)

I'm On Google!

As I Promised, My Underwear Epiphany (for men)

**DISCLAIMER: If you are a female and see that this post says for men, please do not let that keep you from reading it. I promise it will provide plenty of insight. And my current plan is to have a female version out soon - dependent on my ability to find someone who has gone through it.

I had never thought of writing this post until an anonymous reader posted a comment to the post about Whale Tails & Credit Cards.  They mentioned that even though I said that I can't stand when people show their crack or thong, I am constantly showing the top of my boxers. I must say that it is true, on occasion the top of my boxers will show above my waist of my pants. The part where I justify this is where I said that I do not like it when people show their crack and thong. I do not wear thongs and I do not show my crack. So HA anonymous blogger! Joke's on you!

LESLIE KNOPE!

The title and the picture say it all...

You Won Round One >:[ (Comment to help name the bug)

I caved. But there was really good reasons for it. Yes, I realize I am a failure. And for that I apologize. Especially since I only came up with this plan Sunday. That's not even a week. I'm still not even sure how it all went wrong. I had mathematician scientist formulas and everything. Yet it still went very, very wrong. 

Let me fill you in on the happenings since Sunday when I devised this plan to get back at the birds. Monday: I walked out to my car - more bird poop. And dirt.
Tuesday: Even more bird waste. And dirt. (it's ok, it's only been two days - they will tire of dirty bathrooms soon.)
Today: Someone comes up to me and tells me my car is covered in bird crap. They warn me that my paint will get eaten off if I don't take care of it. I am heart broken and forced to make a decision. After I walked to my car and realized that it was indeed covered in even more bird crap, I decided something had to be done.

Whale Tails & Credit Cards

I promised someone today that I would write this post. We were sitting in a large group of people and both of us noticed a larger kid that had at least half of his butt hanging out of his pants. It was disgusting. And it didn't get better. In fact, if anything, it got worse as he was constantly bending over/throwing himself around on the floor. He was definitely cracking. You know what, though? This was not the only experience that I had today that made me want to write this post. Today a girl was getting out of my car and as she was getting out, she had a huge whale tail. If you don't know what a whale tail is, it's when a girl wheres a thong and it shows above her pants and below her shirt. The resulting image resembles a whale's tail therefore earning the name "whale tail".

Projectile Snot

Yup, the title says almost all there is to say. I almost died again today. I was in a large group of smelly, chaotic, young children and as I was consoling one of the crying kids that had gotten stared at by another, a kid walked up to me and sneezed across my face and hair and arm and everywhere.

I Am About To Make Many People Angry With Me...

Before I even start writing anything else, I have to say: I lost The Game. Now that it's out of the way, I expect all of you to be honest and comment saying that you lost the game as well because I don't like cheaters.

Since my reprimanding is done, I will let you know now that this entire post is about The Game. If you have a problem with this, then you should probably leave this post and read a post about my clumsiness or one about my ongoing war with birds. But if you are willing to read a whole post about The Game and don't mind me having totally mixed feelings about it, then please do continue reading.

April Fool's!

So April Fool's Day was a couple weeks ago, so because I just kinda feel like it, I will tell you the pretty much best joke ever that I played on Mother. It all started as I was chilling with some friends and one of them played a terrible "joke" on me.

Friend: Hey, you uh, you got something on your uh, shirt. *points to my shirt*

Me: *looks down*

Friend: April Fool's!!!!

Friend was extremely pleased with his high level of trickery so I let him revel in his glory for a moment or two. While allowing him some excitement, I started to put some thoughts together for the first time. Friend said "April Fool's" and played a "joke" on me...  I felt like this should mean something but it took me a moment or two to figure it out. I looked at my cellular to see what day it was - April 1st. That's it!! It was April Fool's Day! I couldn't believe that I had forgotten such an epic holiday! I was ashamed of myself. In order to make it up to whoever invented April Fool's Day, I had to come up with the best prank/joke ever!

Shout Out

Shout out to all my international readers. It's been a pleasure!

My Plan to Get Rid of the Bird Poop...

So as most of you already know, birds think my car is pretty much the best bathroom ever. (for those of you that didn't know, click here) It has become an everyday occurrence for me to go out to my car and find it covered in bird feces. This is NOT a pleasant experience and almost always ends with me giving the birds the bird. Ok, don't really flip off the birds, I just thought it would be a really fun thing to say: "giving the birds the bird." Either way, it is not a happy time for me as I sit back and watch the birds laughing at me while I get into a crap-covered vehicle.

All this is about to change though. I have formulated a plan. It's all mathematical and scientific and such, just like a real mathematician/scientist would make. Seriously, I put lots of thought in this plan and went through the whole scientific process of observing and whatnot. I will walk you through my thought pattern of how I came to this plan before proceeding to tell you the plan.

The Surprise Ending to The Uninvited

I do not think this post will contain any spoilers whatsoever, but then, you never know..... So if you haven't seen The Uninvited I definitely recommend you do so because....well it's just a freakin awesome movie!

The reason I thought to write this post actually is because I was able to witness my friend watching The Uninvited for the very first time recently and enjoy her shock and awe at the final three scenes. And they of course did not disappoint. (it is really hard to write this post and not spoil the ending for everybody that hasn't yet seen it...I am only on paragraph two...)

I Made You a Waffle

Soooooo...... I am not sure how many of you will find this funny. But it is late at night, and a friend texted me this, So I am going to post it because I think it is hilarious. We will find out later if late night blogging is a positive or negative thing.

Curdled Vulture Spit Adventures: War

If you are wondering about the title for this post, it pretty much has NOTHING to do with the actual story, other than the fact that it is the nickname we gave to the pharmacy where all this took place. (if you can figure out which one it is, leave a comment!) Now, to introduce this post. I have a friend that has been mentioned in an earlier post named Savior. Savior was (and is) an excellent friend. Even though I could convince her to do my laundry, I never could convince her to make grocery trips by herself so I ended up having to go with her to Curdled Vulture Spit in an attempt to shop. While It seemed like an unfortunate and taxing thing to do, we ended up creating a wonderful tradition and exciting adventure that continued every trip to the CVS. (I am simply abbreviating our nickname, not pointing you toward the identity of the real pharmacy)

I Am Sorry!

I am sorry friends, I have failed you all. Today the funniest thing has happened to me in probably forever due to my own stupidity and I forgot to take pictures because of the initial awkward embarrassment. I promise I will not forget next time. However I will go ahead and tell you the story. It isn't long but it was a great time.

How I Almost Scared the New Girl Away By Dying

At the beginning of my senior year in high school, we got a new student that we will call KD. KD was a very sweet and attractive girl from the very first time I met her. Some could say that we became great friends right from the start. Others could say that she tried to kill me....

One of the reasons that KD became such an awesome friend is that I learned she purposefully carried around a HUGE purse for the use of smuggling food. It was not uncommon for us to be sitting in first period and her pass back a pop tart for breakfast, or a candy bar as a snack during third period, on occasion even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich during seventh to tie me over until supper. I definitely had struck gold by making KD a friend.

(left to right) Shorts, KD, Fish, and I at a bonfire together..
Doesn't KD look like a killer? So does Fish, but I don't think she is...

How Much Chocolate Equals True Love?

Have you ever wondered around Valentine's Day exactly how much chocolate really equals true love? I am here to tell you that I know someone who can answer that question. Or she can at least tell you when you have not bought enough.

This past February I had the wonderful opportunity to return to the beautiful country of Poland. I know most people who know anything about climate and geography are wondering "Why in the world would you go there in the middle of winter??" Well, that is a very good question that is irrelevant to this post and will be answered in another post for another day. In the meantime just know it was very cold.

Birds Think My Car Is A Bathroom

Today I walked to my car to drive home and found this:

My Lazy Problem (part1)

I have a problem. Now before you start thinking, "I thought you weren't going to talk about your clumsiness again until you absolutely had to!" I would like to let you know that clumsiness is not the problem to which I am referring. In fact, if you read the title of this post, it tells you my problem is laziness. Now that you know my problem, I am considering wrapping this post up and saving some cyber trees. (yes there are such things, and if there are not, then I would like to ask everybody to go write a Wikki entry about cyber trees right now)

Since I am actually not a cyber-eco activist and I would like a chance to introduce everybody to Savior, I will go ahead and finish this post. Before I begin, here is my formal admittance that I have been lazy almost my entire life. However, my laziness reached its all time high when I moved out of the house for the summer between my junior and senior year. Most people say that when one finally gets out on their own, their maturity takes over and they somehow become instantly responsible. Unless I am just a strange case, I beg to differ.

Egypt and Fast Food

This is a story about me and my best friend. I do not wish to name my best friend because the people who know him already know this story and I do not wish to attach his name to my blog in any way. Best friend will probably be brought up again in later posts so lets name him Egypt for purposes of establishing him as a person. 

Egypt and I were playing on our high school basketball team together junior year. (no, I did not play my senior year, yes I was the best player on the team) It was not long into the season that we had developed a pre-game ritual with each other whenever there was a home game. Before every home game, Egypt and I would go to the local fast food joint (again, I don't want to name it, but if you really must know, there is a song about it owning a rural piece of land and knowing vowels) and take turns paying. We would always order the exact same thing: two chicken sandwiches (plain) and a medium SuperWater. (once more, avoiding a brand name. Just know it looks like water but tastes like carbonated heaven)

(once again I am protecting myself by censoring the name/logo of the restaurant)

My Problem With Trick Mirrors on Cars

I feel like I should not need to write this post. But at the same time nowhere near enough people even know what I am talking about when I say I have a problem with trick mirrors on cars. Well here I am to fill you in. This is what I am referring to. Read the print on the bottom of the mirror. 

That's right. Car manufacturers not only put trick mirrors on cars but they KNOW they put trick mirrors on cars. I do not understand why this is acceptable. That is like putting a fake door on a hospital and a sign saying, "If you have an emergency use this door!" (think about that one for a while. It makes sense I promise)

Just in Case Yesterday Didn't Convince You... (Oh! And I'm a Super Ninja!)

Despite my repetition of the same sentence THREE whole times in yesterday's post, I feel some people still do not believe me about how clumsy I truly am. So today I have decided that once more I will offer (almost) factual evidence of a true story that took place in my childhood. Only difference (drum role) this instance couples my clumsiness with the clumsiness of another guy.

When I was five years old, Mother got a job teaching at my school. I loved it for two reasons. First, with her working at the same place as I went to school, even as a five-year-old I knew this meant I would get to see her every day at lunch. Second, this meant that every day after school I would get a chance to play with the other teachers' kids before Mother got off work. There was one particular kid that I really enjoyed getting to play with on a daily basis. Do not ask me his name because I could not tell you it if I had fifteen semi-automatic gun-like objects aimed directly at my manhood. Since I can't remember his name - and for purposes of smooth reading he needs a name - we will forever refer to him as Conner.

Spiders Are Worse Than Dogs (part1)

I almost died this morning. The previous sentence is in NO way an exaggeration of any sort. I quite literally heard Jesus say welcome home and had that moment when your entire life flashes before your eyes. (if you haven't ever had that moment it is kind of a disappointment as it only has your life in the past not what is in the future) What's even worse is that the majority of the time I had almost died I didn't even realize my life was in danger.

I woke up at 6:20 AM just like every other day. Nothing special about it other than the fact that my phone was going crazy vibrating from Twitter messages. After I read all my tweets I decided I had enough time to lay in bed and decide whether I truly needed a shower or not. If you know me at all then this should be the first sign to you that I was going to have an off morning. I am the kinda guy that will not miss a shower. Ever. While my mind was debating if I needed a shower or not, Mother was wondering why she did not hear the shower running now ten minutes after I woke up. Mother came in my room and made it very clear to me that whether I thought I needed a shower or not I would be getting one. So out of bed I crawled and into the bathroom.

Dogs, Mini Vans, and Emergency Rooms

As you will soon find out if you continue to read Life (Almost) Factual, I am a extremely clumsy person. Some people will read that last sentence and think it is the first of many exaggerations, but I, Indi, hereby swear to you that I truly am a genuinely clumsy person. To prove my point further, I will type the exact same sentence again to reiterate the severity of my clumsiness. As you will soon find out if you continue to read Life (Almost) Factual, I am a extremely clumsy person. My friends will ask me sometimes when my clumsiness truly began and to be honest I'm pretty sure it started while I was still in my mother's womb. Of course there is no way to know that for sure, but it is always possible right? One thing I do know, is that my clumsiness had already developed greatly by the time I had reached six years old. No amount of knee scraping could prepare me - or my mom - for that fateful day...

First Post... BLAH!!!

Hello Everyone! (who at this point probably consists of only friends who I sent a text to saying "Hey I started a blog go check it out")
As I was sitting down the other day reading my favorite blog I was thinking about how awesome it would be if I could write a blog.. and then I realized, "Wait a second, What the heck?! I CAN WRITE A BLOG!!!"