Life (Almost) Factual: My First Super Fan Is Both Family And My Arch Nemesis

So here is the deal, There is never anything more exciting than learning that you have an avid follower. Even if it is somebody that is related to you. So I was extremely excited when I learned that my Aunt was a dedicated reader of L(A)F. Not only is she a dedicated reader, but she has suggested multiple posts to people that she thinks would enjoy reading them. For instance, after reading Whale Tails and Credit Cards, she called her boss and left a voicemail describing how it would be a wonderful slogan for VISA to "Swipe the crack - Get a dollar back!"

Swipe the Crack - Get a Dollar Back!!
(it totally works)

Learning that my aunt was one of my very biggest fans was obviously a big deal for me. I had at my fingertips what every writer desires. A superfan-guineapig to figure out what is liked and what is not! In order to crawl into the mindset of the "other side" I decided I would pick her brain for information. I started by asking her what her favorite post thus far is. Her answer: "The one where you die!" Now of course, there have been many posts where I come very close to dying, but I don't think I have actually died in any of them yet. (emphasis on the word yet) So in order to not look stupid about not knowing which post she was referring to (as I did write them) I asked, "Why was that one your favorite above all the others?" Her answer: "I just rather enjoyed the thought of you in a body freezer."

This was a decent answer. At least now I knew which post she was talking about. (This One) Of course, I am rather surprised that it didn't catch me off guard that her favorite post involved me being "dead" and laying in a body freezer preparing to be cremated. Now that I know the rest of the events from this weekend, I am a tad bit disturbed...

Having an Aunt that reads your blog semi-religiously means that you have an Aunt that knows every aspect of your being. What she doesn't already know from being an Aunt who has a super knowledge about everything in your life, (before you tell her) she finds out from reading your (almost) factual blog posts. This knowledge includes the one way she can kill me, therefore making her favorite post become a permanent reality. (yes, I have officially reached super human status where I only have one weakness that everybody knows about because I accidentally posted about it on my blog)

Auntie (I like this name for her. As she will soon be known as my arch nemesis, it is a great deal more sinister than "My Aunt") joined Mother, Brother-In-Law (BIL), Sister, and me for a vacation of sorts this weekend. This means that we will be sharing pretty much everything. From hotel room, to bathroom, to shampoo. So when I saw that she had considered my dry scalp when packing her toiletries I was elated. That is until I got a closer look.

Just FYI, I took this picture naked....

Upon first glance it appears to be the typical extra care hair product. But after taking the time to examine closely, one can see it clearly contains my weakness. The one thing that could kill me and my beautiful hair. Almonds.

I took this one naked too :D

Luckily for me, I did not let the familiar face beguile me with false gifts. I saw through her trickery and realized that it was indeed a ploy to have me pushing daisies by mid afternoon. I noticed the poisonous product as it was streaming from the mouth of the bottle toward my hand. In one swift move I slid my hand out from underneath the trail of death and threw the bottle across the shower. I had nearly been put to death by my own blood. The very same Auntie that I thought had loved me since a child and become my biggest fan. (I guess she can still be my biggest fan. Wasn't John Lennon killed by his biggest fan?)

After my shower I had to confront her. I got dressed and walked up to her....

Me: Uhhh... Auntie?

Auntie: Yes Boo-boo Kitty?

Me: Umm...Nevermind. I'm going to go sit in the living room for a bit!

Auntie: Alright Boobalicious!

CRAP!!!!! She knew I was onto her! It was at this moment that I knew something. I had just laid eyes on my very first arch nemesis. And it will only be a matter of time before one of us will have to bow to the other... Until then, I will be stuck looking into the face of evil, wondering what is truly going through her mind....