My Plan to Get Rid of the Bird Poop...

So as most of you already know, birds think my car is pretty much the best bathroom ever. (for those of you that didn't know, click here) It has become an everyday occurrence for me to go out to my car and find it covered in bird feces. This is NOT a pleasant experience and almost always ends with me giving the birds the bird. Ok, don't really flip off the birds, I just thought it would be a really fun thing to say: "giving the birds the bird." Either way, it is not a happy time for me as I sit back and watch the birds laughing at me while I get into a crap-covered vehicle.

All this is about to change though. I have formulated a plan. It's all mathematical and scientific and such, just like a real mathematician/scientist would make. Seriously, I put lots of thought in this plan and went through the whole scientific process of observing and whatnot. I will walk you through my thought pattern of how I came to this plan before proceeding to tell you the plan.



Every time I go to the mall I always have to use the bathroom almost immediately after I get there. It never fails. EVER. Because I spend so much time in the bathrooms at the mall, I thought it a good idea to scout out the cleanest and nicest bathroom that I could find. After only a couple of trips to the mall I found that bathroom. The men's side of Dillard's makes you feel like royalty when you go to the bathroom. Like for real, the next time I go to the mall, when I make my scheduled bathroom stop, I will take pictures for you as proof. (until then, I will post pictures that I googled and we will pretend that they are the same bathroom)

Grand walkway.

Elegant door.

Second grand walkway.

Attendant.

And of course the Golden Toilet.

This is not an exaggeration. Like I am pretty sure all these places modeled their stuff after the Dillard's bathroom. This place is spiffy. Anyway, the point is that I really enjoy the fact that the bathroom is maintained, and not covered in somebody else's wastes. (you know like that one gas station that everybody hates because when you go the locks on the stalls don't work, they never have enough toilet paper, and there is a "mysterious" brown substance smeared across the wall) The bathroom at Dillard's is nothing like that.

This made me start to think. When was the last time I cleaned my car? Turns out it was right before all this crap started happening. (lol...crap...punny) So if I can't stand using a dirty bathroom, what makes me think that the birds are going to be any different? It makes sense why they would choose to turn my car into a bathroom, it is clean, and beautiful!

Well guess what! Joke's on you birds! I am going to stop cleaning my car! If you decide to poop on it, that's just peachy! It will have to stay there until you decide that it is too dirty for you to handle and get tired of using a dirty bathroom. I have stopped flushing! (so to speak) That's right everyone. I have stopped cleaning my car. And I have a pretty nice start so far.

Look at all the dirt on that thing! It's getting less and less sexual by the second!
(by the way, when I say "sexual" I don't mean that it is actually appealing in the sexual manner)

Not only is it getting dirtier, but also, I have decided that the dead bug that has been stuck in the back of my rear window for a year now will be staying there. If the dirt gets to stay, he gets to stay too. 

So that is my plan. Until the birds stop pooping on my car, I will not clean it. My logic is faultless. It will work.